Team+Cupcake

Team Cupcake: Suzanne U.

Lauren S. Natalie M. Michael S. Gabe T.

Gatsby Theater Presented by: Jazz Age Productions Wissahickon Theater Troupe

Cast: Natalie Morris... Student (The Court Stenographer; The Bailiff) Lauren Smith… Student (The Mistress) Suzanne Uhlig… Student (The Prosecutor) Michael Sun… Student (The //Other// Mistress) Gabe Toro… Student (The Accused) Mrs. Perlman… Teacher (Your Honor)

//Curtain rises on a dark stage with the brief outlines of// NATALIE, LAUREN, SUZANNE, //and// GABE. //A row of neatly placed school desks and chairs in the background (with one slightly off-kilter where// GABE //is standing), along with a teacher’s podium (//LAUREN //is at the podium; the rest are scattered around the room).//

//Whispers by// NATALIE //and// SUZANNE//.//

Lauren: Gabe, get over here and help me with this.

Gabe: Just give me a second.

GABE //finishes moving the desk in line with the others and moves to// LAUREN//, emphasizing the scraping sounds. Together, they push the podium off to stage right (still on-stage), then push a desk next to it.//

Lauren: //Motions for everyone to come closer. They do.// Does everyone remember the plan?

Gabe: //Nods//. We’ve only gone over it a couple hundred times.

Suzanne: I can’t believe we’re doing this. What if someone sees us in here?

Lauren: Not a problem. Msun’s got lookout until she shows up.

Natalie: Until //who// shows up? Who did you get to be the judge? We only have five people in the group.

Lauren: Don’t worry about it, alright? //Pause//. Guys, I think I hear something.

Gabe: Everyone, get into position!

NATALIE //moves and sits in the desk by the podium.// GABE //and// SUZANNE //sit on opposite ends of the row of desks.// LAUREN //sits next to// SUZANNE.

Natalie: Guys…? Isn’t this supposed to be a movie? Where’s the video-camera? How are we going to record the performance?

Suzanne: We had a “slight” change in plans while you were out.

Lauren: //In a whisper.// Here they come!

Gabe: Lights, camera, action!

//Off-stage: faint footsteps that are getting louder. They stop, suddenly.//

Michael: //Off-stage//. Are you ready, Mrs. Perlman?

Perlman: Not exactly… what did you say this is, again?

Michael: Just a little something we put together. MICHAEL //pushes// PERLMAN //into the room.//

//Enter// PERLMAN, //who is handed a judge’s robe from off-stage by the hand of// MICHAEL//. As she is putting it on, the lights come on, suddenly.// NATALIE //stares in disbelief, then starts laughing.// NATALIE //stands up and adopts a ridiculous supercilious posture, walks over to// PERLMAN//, and takes her to the podium.// PERLMAN //says “hi” in a dazed manner to her students as she moves to the podium.//

Natalie: Please rise for the honorable Melissa Perlman.

//All rise//.

Natalie: Please be seated. The matter before the court today is of grave and serious nature. The accused, Tom Buchanan, is charged with first-degree murder and conspiracy charges in the United States vs. Buchanan. The defendant has pled not guilty.

Natalie: //In a whisper to// PERLMAN. Ask him if there’s any change in his plea.

Perlman: //Settling into her role//. Mr. Buchanan, do you have any changes to make regarding your plea?

Gabe: //Nonchalant//. Not a chance.

Natalie: I will be the court stenographer for this trial. As such, I will record anything said by this court. The transcript will be stored and recorded for further perusal by members of either counsel. Also, if there are any potential employers attending the trial today, I have been trained as an executive secretary and can type one-hundred and fifty words a minute. //Motions at// PERLMAN//.// She pays me like crap.

Perlman: So… opening statements? I guess?

Suzanne: Uh, we finished those before the recess, remember?

Perlman: //Confused//. Oh. Of course. I seem to have lost track of the… progress of the trial. Please remind me.

Suzanne: Sure. The prosecution has laid a damning picture of the accused as an insecure, heartless and cruel monster with a vested interest in disposing of Gatsby and George Wilson, as the testimony of Catherine, Myrtle’s sister, clearly shows. His quick departure from the scene of the crime rounds out the evidence thus far.

Gabe: Objection! That’s character assassination!

Suzanne: You would know all about that, wouldn’t you.

Perlman: //Smiling.// Overruled. Please, carry on with your case.

Suzanne: Mrs. Smith, please come to the stand.

NATALIE //rises from her desk and// LAUREN //comes forward and sits down in the same desk.//

Natalie: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help your AP English grade?

Lauren: Well, if you put it that way…

Natalie: The prosecution may carry on.

Suzanne: //Advancing on the witness//. Mrs. Smith, when did the defendant first contact you?

Lauren: It was a warm September day in November at the end of that wild, orgastic decade of decadence that I first laid eyes upon the aggressive and powerful figure of Tom Buchanan.

Suzanne: //Rolling her eyes//. We’re not having any of that, Mrs. Smith. Just give me the answers. How long did it take you to come up with that, anyway?

Lauren: November 14, 1934. And it didn’t take very long at all, thank you very much.

Suzanne: Please describe the event in question.

Lauren: Well, I was sitting in the bar lobby of the Plaza Hotel when a terribly well-dressed man stalks in and sits down beside me. He ordered ‘the hardest drink you’ve got’ and stared straight ahead while the bartender mixed his drink. He had a childish quality about him, I think, by the way he furiously shook his leg and glanced from side to side. I found it amusing. Anyway, he started making advances after his drink arrived. I brushed it off, but my rebuffs to his spirit were no match for the steady supply of alcohol coming his way. After the fifth or sixth, he was talking //and// acting like a child, yelling profanities and all sorts of nasty stuff.

Suzanne: Did Mr. Buchanan ever tell you… anything that would pertain to this trial?

Gabe: Objection! That’s leading the witness.

Perlman: Sustained. You’ll have to find another way.

Suzanne: Okay… what, exactly, did Mr. Buchanan tell you?

Lauren: There was lots of stuff, mostly about how rich he was. His father apparently owns the tallest building in four states. He once bought ten horses and shipped them up to New York just so he could play polo a couple times a year. And he said he could buy the Plaza Hotel without so much as a second thought. And get this: his full name is Thomas Aaron Abigail Buchanan and he ‘isn’t used to getting ‘no’ for an answer.’

Suzanne: He’s certainly a charmer… But was there anything else? Anything at all?

Lauren: Not at the bar, at least.

Suzanne: So what happened next?

Lauren: He started crying after a while, so I gave him my handkerchief and helped him out to his car.

Suzanne: And did you get into the car with him?

Lauren: //Nods guiltily after a slight pause//. //Pleadingly.// Come on! Don’t tell me you wouldn’t have; just look at him!

Suzanne: //Clearly disgusted//. Continue.

Lauren: It was… afterwards. He was lying there making excuses – said it was the alcohol, I think. LAUREN //chuckles.// It just popped up. He said, ‘I told George Wilson that Jay Gatsby was the one who ran over Myrtle Wilson, and I did it with the explicit intention to kill that son-of-a-bitch,’ and that was that. I was impressed, if I might add.

Suzanne: You heard it, ladies and gentlemen. No further questions.

Perlman: Cross-examination?

Gabe: //Stands up and moves toward the// LAUREN //as// SUZANNE //sits down.// What do you do for a living, Mrs. Smith?

Lauren: I’m self-employed. I do event-planning mostly.

Gabe: And what type of… events… do you plan?

Lauren: Birthday parties. I get called in for a high school prom here and there. You wouldn’t believe the odds sorts of jobs I get once in a while. Once, I was planning the opening of a reptile exhibit at the Central Park Zoo when someone accidentally left the cage door open. There were snakes //everywhere//.

Gabe: That’s nice. About how much money would you say you make as an… event planner?

Suzanne: Objection; that’s irrelevant.

Perlman: Overruled. Continue.

Lauren: Well, nothing, at the moment. I’m living with my parents.

Gabe: One last question. How much money do you want in exchange for recanting those last few bits of questioning?

Suzanne: Objection! That’s a blatant violation of court rules and procedures. The defendant is trying to bribe the witness.

Perlman: Overruled.

Natalie: What’s going on, here? That wasn’t part of the script! Gabe, what are you doing?

Gabe: Sorry, Gabe? This is Tom Buchanan speaking. And I’ll have you know, this judge has been elected to office for the past sixteen years on the strength of //my// influence alone. So I’ll do what I want. As I was saying, Mrs. Smith, you give up the witness stand right now, and I’ll set you up in a nice condo in Manhattan. Deal?

Lauren: Sounds good to me.

Gabe: Sorry, guys, but you forgot one little thing. The people with the money make the rules. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some money to spend.

Natalie: But we haven’t even analyzed anything in the book!

Gabe: Ah, don’t worry about it. I already bought our grade.

Suzanne: Gabe… Tom… whoever you are, that doesn’t even make sense. Which one are you, anyway?

Michael: //Sweeps into the room.// Not if I can help it! Er… am I on cue?

Gabe: Msun? What are you doing here?

Michael: Stopping you, sweetheart. Get me on the witness stand, quick!

Natalie: //Confused, watches as// MICHAEL //pulls// LAUREN //out of the witness desk and seats himself//. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help your AP English grade?

Michael: AP English? What?

Suzanne: Who //are// you? Where did you come from?

Gabe: Objection. This man was not on the witness list of the prosecution.

Michael: Of course not. I have to beat back a few of those big, hulking security guards guarding the doors just to get in here. Frankly, Tom, I was too ashamed to sit at home and watch you dodge the law again.

Gabe: That’s ridiculous. You know I was only doing it for you. For us.

Michael: That’s very sweet of you, dear. But it’s gone on long enough. I have a confession to make, everyone. Mr. Buchanan and I have been having an affair for over fifteen years.

Gabe: //Tersely and quietly//. Stop it, Michael.

Michael: Oh, you stop it. Tom has always gotten what he wants. He’s a big baby that needs everyone around him to care for him. And when someone steals his toys, he throws a mean tantrum. That’s all he is: a big baby! And he killed poor Gatsby and Georgie Poo, too.

Suzanne: Judge, no closing statements necessary. Just get me the verdict and get me out of here!

Perlman: Guilty as charged!

//As the curtain falls…//

Gabe: But… but… I have money!!!

Lauren: Hey, Tom, about that condo…